I must say that I have been living a roller coaster life for the past few months. There have been major life and lifestyle changes. I have gone through the full range of emotions and am just now coming to terms with them all. I am pleasantly surprised that it does not hurt as much anymore, it does not feel as overwhelming as before, it is not as liberating as I thought, it is not as confining as I since believed, it is nothing that I expected.
I expected my future, my “new” to be a gift and a curse but it is more like a return to zero, nothing, endless possibilities a return to the new “normal”. I have been surprised at what I have been able to accomplish, and the life I am able to live.
Give me what you got life I stare you directly in your eyes and dare you to BRING IT. I will NOT be defeated, deterred, or distracted. I see too many GREAT things in my future to get knocked out now.
There is something to be said for not knowing the layout of path that you are about to travel. Some kind of unwelcome liberation in it. A certain clarity that comes from looking in darkness knowing that it is a blank slate.
But in the darkness before me I don’t see a blank slate I see unlimited options that in turn block the light and hope of the future. I feel that my issue with this darkness is not that I don’t know the path it travels, it’s that I know the potential it holds. And that is a very overwhelming emotion.
So you could say that I know what I can do but don’t know what I should do. That I see the options but can’t choose. But why must I choose, what makes me feel that I can only accomplish ONE thing of the multitude. What limits me to just one, because at this stage there is nothing external limiting me so again why must I limit myself?
Greatness can be achieved in a multitude of areas only when there is a will to continue achieving greatness.
Living this life. That is built from impossible hopes and shattered dreams. Uncertain futures and woeful realities. Exciting adventures and amazing defeats. Intellectual improbabilities and emotional shortcomings.
What have I created? Is it something truly amazing or amazingly true. Is it a reflection of my disappointing past or my assumed amazing future. Does my present life stand as a representation of where I have been or where i’m going? Is there any true, certain way to ascertain the difference? Is it possible to move forward while looking back….is there anything to be gained from reflection on the past? Is there anything to be gained from reflection at all?
So did I build this life just to determine that it will benefit me none? And is that a true statement or is that just me projecting pessimism onto my situation? Only one way to find out, a way which I do not have the intellectual prowess to ascertain at this current moment.
Am I doomed? That is the question to be answered.